I have a psychological stutter. I think this definition of stutter best captures what I have: "Stuttering is caused by not being able to get out what we are trying to say". It is psychological, meaning it is all in my mind. It has no physiological causes, such as a short tongue or any physical defect. While the bulk of the first half of this post will be about my past and my stutter, the main message I want to convey has to do with how to be a confident person. How are the two related? Read on to find out.
I can't remember when I first had a stutter. I don't have any clear memory of having it while in primary school but the last vivid memory of a stuttering incident was in 2004, during my baptism when I had to give a short testimony and I stuttered rather awkwardly on the word 'sinner', making a 'ssss' sound for 3 seconds or something. As a psychology student, I have to wonder - what was the origin of this stutter? What were the antecedent events? What caused the development of this stutter?
The thing is, I don't really know. Since I don't even remember when it even first began, how do I know what the cause was? I didn't have an easy childhood, and perhaps that led to it. My father passed away due to colon cancer when I was only 6 years old. I recall being NOT very sad, which looking back, I think I was in a state of shock and just didn't know how to react. I must have been behaving weirdly because my mother told me that she brought in a psychologist to talk to me, which I have absolutely NO memory about, which is weird. Did this shrink brainwash me or something? Hypnosis? No idea. I really have no recollection whatsoever of talking to a psychologist.
My mother didn't have it easy either. She suffered from major depression and was in and out of the hospital. That was during my late primary, early secondary school years. I remember coming home to an empty house, and wondering where she was. I remember living in uncertainty and fear that perhaps the same thing that happened to my father had happened to her. That was my childhood. Without a stable parent figure. Living in uncertainty. Living in fear. Certainly seems like ideal conditions for the breeding of a psychological issue (e.g. a stutter), no?
Causes aside, what exactly is a psychological stutter? What is going through my mind? What is the mechanism that leads to a stutter? Someone (a fellow stutter-er) once said this: "my brain works faster than my mouth" which I thought was quite an accurate description. I have a list of words that I regularly stutter on. Some examples would be 'Saturday, Wednesday, dinner, alan (yes, my own name too), dissonance, etc'. I know all these through past experience, so I 'expect' to stutter on them and I would compensate for it.
But first, what does it mean to stutter? I don't mean 'd.. d.. dinner', but it's more of the word just doesn't come out? Like 'Do you want to have d.......inner?' I am usually aware that I may stutter on a particular word so I will consciously try to make it smooth, and try to slur everything smoothly together so I don't have that awkward pause. Another strategy that is commonly used is to quickly think of an alternative way of saying what I want to say without using that word.
E.g. 'Do you want to eat later?' instead of 'do you want to have dinner?'.
As you can imagine, having a stutter is quite the confidence dampener. I hesitate to tell stories because I'm not sure if I'll be able to tell it coherently. I hesitate to speak up in a group because the more people have their attention on me, the more likely they are to notice my stutter. I hesitate to speak at all. I hesitate to introduce myself to people (remember, I stutter on my own name).
You would think that because of this, I must really stink at group presentations right? Talking in front of a big group of people with all eyes on me? Total disaster?
But I don't stink.
In fact, I think I am good. People have said I am good. I feel good giving presentations.
Wait what? How? How come I don't stutter when I present?
If you remember, I mentioned my stutter was psychological, meaning it's all in my head. I usually only stutter when I think about it and try to compensate for it. If I am rattling on about stuff without realizing I am rattling on I am probably not stuttering in the process too. With this knowledge, I brainwash myself. I tell myself I am actually freaking amazingly awesome. I tell myself I'm not going to stutter for sure because I am just that good. I am just that confident.
I look at presentations as a little skit I am performing in. I think of myself as an actor in a play, portraying some confident role. In fact the way I speak in presentations seem to be influenced by the audience and context to some extent. For example, during my philosophy presentation last year, I found myself talking like my philosophy prof who had a distinct way of talking and making points. I adopt an imaginary role and act it out as if I am that confident, eloquent person. (My professor openly praised me after that presentation in front of the class. I also got an A grade. )
That's my secret. That's how I don't really worry too much about presentations. That's how I feel confident going into every presentation I make. I rehearse, I practise, I adopt an optimistic mindset, and I perform.
Many people in the world are afraid. They are afraid of underperforming, afraid of being judged, afraid of being ridiculed. They have a certain belief about themselves, that they are 'not good at talking to people', 'not good at speaking up in class', 'not good at X'. These beliefs serve to reinforce themselves because this dampened state of confidence naturally affects their performance in the relevant matter, and this dampened performance reinforces their initial beliefs.
Do you see the faulty negative cycle? I am not good. I perform badly. Therefore I am not good.
I challenge these people to break out of this cycle. Challenge yourselves! Challenge your initial misguided beliefs. Are you really not good? Or are you not good because you believe that you are not good? What happens if you start to tell yourself, daily, that you are actually f*cking fantastic? What happens if you start off with a positive thought, a positive perspective about yourself, and use that to lead and guide your subsequent behavior?
I'm not going to kid you, it's not going to be easy. Perhaps the first few times you may still stumble. Perhaps the first few times you may fail. But hey! You are awesome so why worry? It's just a freak occurrence! Be positive. You have to believe in yourself before others can believe in you. You have to believe that it's going to work before it can work. Don't doubt. Just try it. Be the amazing person you were born to be.
Because chances are, if you are reading this blog (and up to this point), you are pretty damn amazing.
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