You're probably scratching your head thinking I have lost it. I'm asking how to ... COMPLAIN?? Isn't that supposed to be Singaporean's #1 pastime besides eating and watching soccer? Well, the problem comes when you consider empathetic thoughts - when you start to consider other people's feelings. Let's go through several scenarios and you'll see what I mean.
Dilemma 1
Let's say you are brilliant at Math, and you have a friend, Thomas, who is really bad at Math. Now suppose you are used to getting As and A-s for your Math quizzes, while he is accustomed to barely passing, probably Cs and Ds.
Then one day, both of you get back the results of a test. You got a B. Well below your expected grade of A/A-. You are devastated. Crushed. You look over to your friend Thomas, and you see that he got a C.
What do you feel now? Relieved? Happy? Sad? Disappointed? Do you see where my dilemma comes from now? You can't express your disdain and disappointment as much as you would like, because you have to consider Thomas' feelings. Imagine you go 'NOOO DAMN IT FML ONLY I GOT A B' and poor Thomas there has a C while you 'only' got a B.
You may say at this point - oh, it's not that bad, Thomas is used to getting Cs and Ds so perhaps he is content and satisfied with his grade, so you can complain about your 'lousy' B. Let us consider the next situation.
Dilemma 2
Perhaps, being the elite student you are, you are surrounded by like-minded peers of equal ability. Perhaps Thomas is not a friend who gets Cs and Ds, but he is like you, brilliant at Math, always getting As and A-s.
Same situation, you got a B, and he got a C.
How can you even let peep a hint of complaint in this case? Thomas just got a staggeringly bad C grade, waaaay below his usual grade of an A/A-, and while you are disappointed with your B grade, if you even start to complain about your grade it just seems like you're rubbing in the C grade in his face. It's like telling him 'Hey can you let me C what you got?'
Dilemma 3
Yet another case, same Thomas as Dilemma 2, the Math whiz. This time, while you got a B, he got an A+.
While he is clearly happy and content with what he got, if you are to mope and be sad about what you have, you are denying him the happiness that he wants to experience. So how do you complain in this case? Let's take another similar example...
Dilemma 4
Let's bring back Thomas the Goofus. Thomas the always C/D grade achiever. Thomas the Mathematical noob.
Imagine you got a B, but Thomas gets an A+.
OBVIOUSLY, he is going to be over the moon. Maybe you won't even have this dilemma because he's flown out of his seat and is bouncing and dancing all over campus waving his exam script. But let's say he is right there next to you. You clearly want to feel happy for your friend (assuming you're a nice person), but at the same time you want to complain and bitch about how unfair the paper was and why you got a B. How do you do it?
Dilemma 5
And a last and final scenario which is different from the previous four - this is less of a dilemma and more of a rant than anything - what if you got an A+, but Thomas (who is a Math whiz like you) got a disappointing grade, like a B? It's a real downer to have to suppress your feelings if joy and happiness and pretend you're not THAT happy... but you have to do it.
Sigh. If only the world was an ideal place where everyone around you got identical grades as you and you can ruminate or celebrate together.
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As you can see, complaining is not as easy as we think, once we start putting empathy in the equation. This is of course with the assumption that we are nice, rationale, good friends who care about what our friends feel. Otherwise the above scenarios are non-dilemmas for you.
Alright, that's a wrap. Yes, I know this post was a bit long, but I've written much longer posts, so stop complaining!
EDIT: Ok I've gotten quite a few responses in a very short time so I'll just add them on here to prevent misunderstanding and further similar responses:
1) What's the point of comparing grades? Don't compare!
That really isn't the point of this post. I only used absolute grades to better illustrate the point, the point is that it is hard to complain about a disappointment when you are among peers - because you have to consider THEIR perspective and how they may respond to your complaint.
2) Then don't complain at all!
Really? Don't complain at all? So just suck it up and bottle it inside me? What about the old adage to 'let it out' to feel better? Psychological studies does encourage the expression of negative emotion rather than the suppression (though the ideal recommended method is cognitive reappraisals... but to go into that will be too off-topic) of it.
3) Complain to someone who is not in the similar predicament
This is probably the most sensible comment I've got. So instead of complaining to Thomas who does Math, maybe complain to Julia who doesn't do Math so that she can empathize with you and you don't have to consider if she got a C or a B or an A.
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